"You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back He said Hallelujah
You're home"
It's 2:18 a.m. and here I am, playing google roulette. Sometimes I just google various phrases to see if I can find the words for what I am feeling. Sometimes I find it, other times I don't. Tonight, google served me well. I think I had probably heard this song before. But, like everything else, it has taken on new meaning in this new phase of my life.
Mom loved flowers. Prior to 2015, she and grandma had both yards full of all different flowers. When grandma passed away in 2015, mom slowly started transplanting flowers. Flowers that had given then both so much joy were replanted into our yard; one last reminder of my grandma.
Anyone that knows my family knows the last several years of our Rosie's life were not the most pleasant for her, nor for us. As the second oldest of 15 grandchildren, I knew both Rosie's. I have such bittersweet memories. I remember when I was a young woman, she was my partner in crime. We would get into simple mischief, spending many an hour giggling.
I guess you could say I am one of the lucky ones. On one hand, I got to know that Rosie. My younger cousins did not all get that opportunity. On the other, I mourn the loss of that silly, carefree woman. By the time she had come to the end of her days, that Rosie had been gone for a long time. What remained was a shell of the woman she once was.
Rosie had dementia. Her brain gave out long before her body did. My mom became her mom. Rosie's reality was that of her childhood. It was extremely difficult for my mom and aunts who cared for her. It was a constant vigil to make sure she did not wonder off or do something to get hurt. It is fair to say that by the time that second Rosie passed away, I had no tears left. I prayed every day and night that she would pass peacefully.
I remember one day I was at Aldi in the check-out line. The older lady in front of me saw the bouquet of flowers I had with my other items and commented on how pretty they were. I explained they were for my grandma. I snuck another bouquet of flowers onto my pile.
I purchased the second bouquet for this stranger. When I gave them to her, we talked for just a bit. I explained that my grandma had dementia and had always loved flowers. I always tried to buy her a bouquet when I was out and about. The lady told me that her husband had just passed away from Alzheimer's. She told me how lucky my grandmother was to have a granddaughter like me. My Rosie spoke to me through that kind stranger that day.
After my grandpa passed away in 2017, the "angel garden" was completely moved to my parent's yard. Mom took such pride in her flowers. They reminded her of Rosie and gave her great joy. They were a lot of work, but she tended to them with great care. After I got stung in 2000-2001, I didn't have much to do with the flowers. I loved to look at them, but the pollen bothered my allergies not to mention the risk of venom insect sting that could cause serious allergic reactions.
As I sit here writing this, I can see the garden stones and angels that will now become a part of the angel garden. Garden stones that will serve as a reminder of what we've lost. My heart hurts when I remember she's gone. I don't forget, I just hope that I will wake up from this nightmare.
Mom was in a coma for a good portion of January and all of February. I can't help but think of all of the supermarket flowers she missed: get well flowers, valentine's day flowers, birthday flowers. And my heart breaks at the thought of all of the supermarket flowers she will miss as we all carry on without her.
"I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know a heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved."
Supermarket Flowers-Ed Sheeran
I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsillI threw the day-old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Matthew had made
Memories of a life that's been loved
Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink
Dad always told me, "Don't you cry when you're down"
But mum, there's a tear every time that I blink
Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case
John says he'd drive then put his hand on my cheek
And wiped a tear from the side of my face
I hope that I see the world as you did 'cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You're home
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