Grace Will Lead Me Home

 

Here I am, music on repeat. It is at my lowest or ascending from my lowest that I always end up back here.  I guess I should be grateful that I do not end up here more often.  

Now, where do I even start?? This new year has kicked the living crap out of me and many others.  I decided to start fresh at the end/beginning of the year; spread my wings and fly (again), if you will.  I did not know that this flight would be a free fall into grief and despair.  I'm learning...

I'm learning to live without my mother. I'm learning my limitations; the lingering effect of c19 (I refuse to give that evil a platform by saying its name). I'm learning to let myself rest. I'm learning to allow myself to rest without feeling bad about it.  I'm learning grace.

I've been sick.  I will spare you the details, that is not the purpose of this post.  I have been in the lowest valleys I have walked in years. The "younger me" would have given up, called it quits by now.  But I am still going...by grace alone.

God's grace has kept me going, through all of you.  I have asked for prayers for myself more times than I can count in the last two weeks.  God and my praying friends have been faithful.  In my times of need, He was there for me. When I felt like I was hanging on by a thread, Jesus had carried me.

I have seen God's grace and love countless times in the past couple of months.  The support shown to Pantry for Adair County has been overwhelming.  I can never thank you enough. Our community will be blessed beyond measure thanks to your generosity.  

I, personally, have been blessed many times with the "Godwinks" that so often remind me of how special my angel momma really was. I want to share a few of the blessings with you.  They come in the most unexpected ways, at the most unexpected times.  But they always come when I need them the most.

After church yesterday, while waiting to be seated for lunch, I was visiting with some friends and their parents.  As I was introduced to this very nice couple who knew my parents, someone from nearby said, "I want in on these introductions."    I remember thinking, "What? Is this lady going to fan girl my friend while I'm standing here visiting?"  

Before I had a clue what was happening, this wonderful woman was in my face, introducing herself with her arms wrapped around me.  This was an acquaintance of mine.  She worked with my mom, we had corresponded many times via email. I don't even mind admitting that I squealed a bit when she told me who she was.  The hug she gave me was one of comfort and peace, right when I needed it. I emailed her later on, letting her know how meaningful that was to me.  I know it was my mom that brought us together.

I had text some select people asking for prayers early this morning. I was energized by the exchange from yesterday, for sure.  But my bucket was pretty empty.  Extra prayers couldn't hurt, right??

I had an eye appointment later on.  While I was sitting there, I noticed I recognized the woman sitting nearby.  She was busy so I went about my business. As she got up to leave, she looked at me and said, "Hi sweetie" and came over and gave me a hug.  I know this woman yet the exchange was so much more than our previous dealings would have predicted.  It was fantastic!

I worked all afternoon and got home around 4:30p.m. I don't usually check the mail but decided I would do so today.  I pulled out one box, identifying it as something I was expecting.  As I pulled out the second box, I wondered what I had forgotten to expect.  

I came into the house and sat my stuff down, looking at the box.  I didn't recognize the return address or company.  I got a little worried, wondering what I had ordered unintentionally. Funds are limited right now... I opened the box and out came a letter and some gift items.  It occurred to me that it might be a gift.  But from whom? 

I made myself some dinner and had sat down to eat when my phone rang.  It was a longtime friend asking if I was home. She wanted to stop by. I did some piddly things around the house while waiting for her to arrive.

As I opened the door, I see her standing there with a little red bag in the shape of a heart.  She said, "I have something for you." She pulled out a beaded bracelet and said, "I want you to have this. I may have to get more beads but I want you to have it." 

The bracelet had a little gold cross charm on it. She said that it is something that you carry until you notice someone who is struggling and then you pass it on to them.  I was in tears.  Even though she took the bracelet to get it sized, her act of kindness was beyond measure.  I hope one day I can pass it on to a struggling someone and bless them like I have been blessed.

This evening my phone went off.  It was a text asking if I had gotten my gift.  I instantly remembered the box and my friend asking for my address, telling me I would find out why at the end of the month.  The little box of hope was from her.  That was weeks ago yet God had exact and perfect timing in mind.  

Every one of the blessings I have received in the last couple of days have filled my bucket. It may not be overflowing, but I've got a pretty good start.  Because of my family and friends praying for me and God's grace, I can see sunshine through the dark clouds that had filled the sky.  Through God's grace, I have seen my mom's love.  A love that I am learning more every day, is the sunshine of my life. 

Grace Will Lead Me Home

There is a place prepared for me
More beautiful than eyes have seen
When these burdens weigh me down
I won't lose heart, I will not doubt

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home
Through every trial I have come
Only Your grace will lead me home

There is an end to suffering
Where I will rest in perfect peace
In the presence of the King
My eyes will see what I've believed

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home
Through every trial I have come
Only Your grace will lead me home
Lead me home, yeah

When I've been there ten thousand years
And Mercy's dried off every tear
My debt was paid but still I'll owe
My life to Grace who led me home

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home
Through every trial I have come
You were the shelter through every storm
God you were with me all along
Only your grace will lead me home
Only your grace will lead me home
Lead me home, lead me home, lead me home

Songwriters: Benji Cowart / David Dunn / Hank Bentley

Grace Will Lead Me Home lyrics © Essential Music Publishing, Mike Curb Music, Music Services, Inc, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Supermarket Flowers

"You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back He said Hallelujah
You're home"

It's 2:18 a.m. and here I am, playing google roulette.  Sometimes I just google various phrases to see if I can find the words for what I am feeling.  Sometimes I find it, other times I don't.  Tonight, google served me well.  I think I had probably heard this song before.  But, like everything else, it has taken on new meaning in this new phase of my life.  

Mom loved flowers. Prior to 2015, she and grandma had both yards full of all different flowers.  When grandma passed away in 2015, mom slowly started transplanting flowers.  Flowers that had given then both so much joy were replanted into our yard; one last reminder of my grandma.  

Anyone that knows my family knows the last several years of our Rosie's life were not the most pleasant for her, nor for us.  As the second oldest of 15 grandchildren, I knew both Rosie's. I have such bittersweet memories.  I remember when I was a young woman, she was my partner in crime.  We would get into simple mischief, spending many an hour giggling.  

I guess you could say I am one of the lucky ones. On one hand, I got to know that Rosie.  My younger cousins did not all get that opportunity.  On the other, I mourn the loss of that silly, carefree woman.  By the time she had come to the end of her days, that Rosie had been gone for a long time.  What remained was a shell of the woman she once was.

Rosie had dementia.  Her brain gave out long before her body did.  My mom became her mom.  Rosie's reality was that of her childhood.  It was extremely difficult for my mom and aunts who cared for her.  It was a constant vigil to make sure she did not wonder off or do something to get hurt.  It is fair to say that by the time that second Rosie passed away, I had no tears left.  I prayed every day and night that she would pass peacefully.  

I remember one day I was at Aldi in the check-out line.  The older lady in front of me saw the bouquet of flowers I had with my other items and commented on how pretty they were.  I explained they were for my grandma. I snuck another bouquet of flowers onto my pile. 

I purchased the second bouquet for this stranger.  When I gave them to her, we talked for just a bit.  I explained that my grandma had dementia and had always loved flowers.  I always tried to buy her a bouquet when I was out and about.  The lady told me that her husband had just passed away from Alzheimer's.  She told me how lucky my grandmother was to have a granddaughter like me. My Rosie spoke to me through that kind stranger that day.  

After my grandpa passed away in 2017, the "angel garden" was completely moved to my parent's yard.  Mom took such pride in her flowers. They reminded her of Rosie and gave her great joy.  They were a lot of work, but she tended to them with great care.  After I got stung in 2000-2001, I didn't have much to do with the flowers.  I loved to look at them, but the pollen bothered my allergies not to mention the risk of venom insect sting that could cause serious allergic reactions.

As I sit here writing this, I can see the garden stones and angels that will now become a part of the angel garden. Garden stones that will serve as a reminder of what we've lost. My heart hurts when I remember she's gone. I don't forget, I just hope that I will wake up from this nightmare.  

Mom was in a coma for a good portion of January and all of February.  I can't help but think of all of the supermarket flowers she missed: get well flowers, valentine's day flowers, birthday flowers. And my heart breaks at the thought of all of the supermarket flowers she will miss as we all carry on without her. 

"I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know a heart that's broke is a heart        that's been loved."

Supermarket Flowers-Ed Sheeran

I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill
I threw the day-old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Matthew had made
Memories of a life that's been loved
Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink
Dad always told me, "Don't you cry when you're down"
But mum, there's a tear every time that I blink
Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case
John says he'd drive then put his hand on my cheek
And wiped a tear from the side of my face
I hope that I see the world as you did 'cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You're home

Songwriters: Johnny Mcdaid / Edward Christopher Sheeran / Benjamin Joseph Levin