Grace Will Lead Me Home

 

Here I am, music on repeat. It is at my lowest or ascending from my lowest that I always end up back here.  I guess I should be grateful that I do not end up here more often.  

Now, where do I even start?? This new year has kicked the living crap out of me and many others.  I decided to start fresh at the end/beginning of the year; spread my wings and fly (again), if you will.  I did not know that this flight would be a free fall into grief and despair.  I'm learning...

I'm learning to live without my mother. I'm learning my limitations; the lingering effect of c19 (I refuse to give that evil a platform by saying its name). I'm learning to let myself rest. I'm learning to allow myself to rest without feeling bad about it.  I'm learning grace.

I've been sick.  I will spare you the details, that is not the purpose of this post.  I have been in the lowest valleys I have walked in years. The "younger me" would have given up, called it quits by now.  But I am still going...by grace alone.

God's grace has kept me going, through all of you.  I have asked for prayers for myself more times than I can count in the last two weeks.  God and my praying friends have been faithful.  In my times of need, He was there for me. When I felt like I was hanging on by a thread, Jesus had carried me.

I have seen God's grace and love countless times in the past couple of months.  The support shown to Pantry for Adair County has been overwhelming.  I can never thank you enough. Our community will be blessed beyond measure thanks to your generosity.  

I, personally, have been blessed many times with the "Godwinks" that so often remind me of how special my angel momma really was. I want to share a few of the blessings with you.  They come in the most unexpected ways, at the most unexpected times.  But they always come when I need them the most.

After church yesterday, while waiting to be seated for lunch, I was visiting with some friends and their parents.  As I was introduced to this very nice couple who knew my parents, someone from nearby said, "I want in on these introductions."    I remember thinking, "What? Is this lady going to fan girl my friend while I'm standing here visiting?"  

Before I had a clue what was happening, this wonderful woman was in my face, introducing herself with her arms wrapped around me.  This was an acquaintance of mine.  She worked with my mom, we had corresponded many times via email. I don't even mind admitting that I squealed a bit when she told me who she was.  The hug she gave me was one of comfort and peace, right when I needed it. I emailed her later on, letting her know how meaningful that was to me.  I know it was my mom that brought us together.

I had text some select people asking for prayers early this morning. I was energized by the exchange from yesterday, for sure.  But my bucket was pretty empty.  Extra prayers couldn't hurt, right??

I had an eye appointment later on.  While I was sitting there, I noticed I recognized the woman sitting nearby.  She was busy so I went about my business. As she got up to leave, she looked at me and said, "Hi sweetie" and came over and gave me a hug.  I know this woman yet the exchange was so much more than our previous dealings would have predicted.  It was fantastic!

I worked all afternoon and got home around 4:30p.m. I don't usually check the mail but decided I would do so today.  I pulled out one box, identifying it as something I was expecting.  As I pulled out the second box, I wondered what I had forgotten to expect.  

I came into the house and sat my stuff down, looking at the box.  I didn't recognize the return address or company.  I got a little worried, wondering what I had ordered unintentionally. Funds are limited right now... I opened the box and out came a letter and some gift items.  It occurred to me that it might be a gift.  But from whom? 

I made myself some dinner and had sat down to eat when my phone rang.  It was a longtime friend asking if I was home. She wanted to stop by. I did some piddly things around the house while waiting for her to arrive.

As I opened the door, I see her standing there with a little red bag in the shape of a heart.  She said, "I have something for you." She pulled out a beaded bracelet and said, "I want you to have this. I may have to get more beads but I want you to have it." 

The bracelet had a little gold cross charm on it. She said that it is something that you carry until you notice someone who is struggling and then you pass it on to them.  I was in tears.  Even though she took the bracelet to get it sized, her act of kindness was beyond measure.  I hope one day I can pass it on to a struggling someone and bless them like I have been blessed.

This evening my phone went off.  It was a text asking if I had gotten my gift.  I instantly remembered the box and my friend asking for my address, telling me I would find out why at the end of the month.  The little box of hope was from her.  That was weeks ago yet God had exact and perfect timing in mind.  

Every one of the blessings I have received in the last couple of days have filled my bucket. It may not be overflowing, but I've got a pretty good start.  Because of my family and friends praying for me and God's grace, I can see sunshine through the dark clouds that had filled the sky.  Through God's grace, I have seen my mom's love.  A love that I am learning more every day, is the sunshine of my life. 

Grace Will Lead Me Home

There is a place prepared for me
More beautiful than eyes have seen
When these burdens weigh me down
I won't lose heart, I will not doubt

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home
Through every trial I have come
Only Your grace will lead me home

There is an end to suffering
Where I will rest in perfect peace
In the presence of the King
My eyes will see what I've believed

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home
Through every trial I have come
Only Your grace will lead me home
Lead me home, yeah

When I've been there ten thousand years
And Mercy's dried off every tear
My debt was paid but still I'll owe
My life to Grace who led me home

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home
Through every trial I have come
You were the shelter through every storm
God you were with me all along
Only your grace will lead me home
Only your grace will lead me home
Lead me home, lead me home, lead me home

Songwriters: Benji Cowart / David Dunn / Hank Bentley

Grace Will Lead Me Home lyrics © Essential Music Publishing, Mike Curb Music, Music Services, Inc, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Supermarket Flowers

"You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back He said Hallelujah
You're home"

It's 2:18 a.m. and here I am, playing google roulette.  Sometimes I just google various phrases to see if I can find the words for what I am feeling.  Sometimes I find it, other times I don't.  Tonight, google served me well.  I think I had probably heard this song before.  But, like everything else, it has taken on new meaning in this new phase of my life.  

Mom loved flowers. Prior to 2015, she and grandma had both yards full of all different flowers.  When grandma passed away in 2015, mom slowly started transplanting flowers.  Flowers that had given then both so much joy were replanted into our yard; one last reminder of my grandma.  

Anyone that knows my family knows the last several years of our Rosie's life were not the most pleasant for her, nor for us.  As the second oldest of 15 grandchildren, I knew both Rosie's. I have such bittersweet memories.  I remember when I was a young woman, she was my partner in crime.  We would get into simple mischief, spending many an hour giggling.  

I guess you could say I am one of the lucky ones. On one hand, I got to know that Rosie.  My younger cousins did not all get that opportunity.  On the other, I mourn the loss of that silly, carefree woman.  By the time she had come to the end of her days, that Rosie had been gone for a long time.  What remained was a shell of the woman she once was.

Rosie had dementia.  Her brain gave out long before her body did.  My mom became her mom.  Rosie's reality was that of her childhood.  It was extremely difficult for my mom and aunts who cared for her.  It was a constant vigil to make sure she did not wonder off or do something to get hurt.  It is fair to say that by the time that second Rosie passed away, I had no tears left.  I prayed every day and night that she would pass peacefully.  

I remember one day I was at Aldi in the check-out line.  The older lady in front of me saw the bouquet of flowers I had with my other items and commented on how pretty they were.  I explained they were for my grandma. I snuck another bouquet of flowers onto my pile. 

I purchased the second bouquet for this stranger.  When I gave them to her, we talked for just a bit.  I explained that my grandma had dementia and had always loved flowers.  I always tried to buy her a bouquet when I was out and about.  The lady told me that her husband had just passed away from Alzheimer's.  She told me how lucky my grandmother was to have a granddaughter like me. My Rosie spoke to me through that kind stranger that day.  

After my grandpa passed away in 2017, the "angel garden" was completely moved to my parent's yard.  Mom took such pride in her flowers. They reminded her of Rosie and gave her great joy.  They were a lot of work, but she tended to them with great care.  After I got stung in 2000-2001, I didn't have much to do with the flowers.  I loved to look at them, but the pollen bothered my allergies not to mention the risk of venom insect sting that could cause serious allergic reactions.

As I sit here writing this, I can see the garden stones and angels that will now become a part of the angel garden. Garden stones that will serve as a reminder of what we've lost. My heart hurts when I remember she's gone. I don't forget, I just hope that I will wake up from this nightmare.  

Mom was in a coma for a good portion of January and all of February.  I can't help but think of all of the supermarket flowers she missed: get well flowers, valentine's day flowers, birthday flowers. And my heart breaks at the thought of all of the supermarket flowers she will miss as we all carry on without her. 

"I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know a heart that's broke is a heart        that's been loved."

Supermarket Flowers-Ed Sheeran

I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill
I threw the day-old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Matthew had made
Memories of a life that's been loved
Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink
Dad always told me, "Don't you cry when you're down"
But mum, there's a tear every time that I blink
Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case
John says he'd drive then put his hand on my cheek
And wiped a tear from the side of my face
I hope that I see the world as you did 'cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You're home

Songwriters: Johnny Mcdaid / Edward Christopher Sheeran / Benjamin Joseph Levin

Praise You In This Storm

The intro to this song is the most amazing thing I have ever heard. That is what I thought the first time I heard it.  That was about the same time mom went into the hospital.  I played it repeatedly, knowing God was in control of "our" situation.  I sit here now, my broken heart screaming while I listen to it.  

This heartbreaking storm started on January 11th and ended on February 19, 2022.  Almost 4 weeks to the day since the last time dad and I had talked to her in person. She called me in a panic because they were taking her by ambulance to Quincy.  She needed the usual items for her hospital stay.  Clean pajamas, socks, underwear.  I rushed around, got her stuff and went back to the hospital. Dad and I waited with her for almost 2 hours until the ambulance came.  

When I hugged her and told her I loved her, I never dreamed it would be the last time.  Dad and I stood at a distance as she was put into the ambulance and it drove away.  We talked to her through zoom the following Tuesday.  We had faith in God and the power of prayer. I still have faith.

                                                                                        

I learned a long time ago that not all healing is earthly.  I've said that so many times to others and, most recently, myself.  Deep down a part of me knew she wouldn't be coming home.  I didn't want to acknowledge the fact at first.  I wasn't giving up on her. But the signs kept coming.

The last time she woke up, she asked for her mom.  My grandma, her mom, died in January 2015. At approximately 3:30 a.m. on February 6th, she came to me.  I was a mess, just like tonight.  I felt her presence and I heard her say to me, "I'm tired." I told her I knew she was tired and it was alright if she wanted to go be with Jesus.  I encouraged my family to do the same later that day.  

I am a pretty spiritual person; I pay attention to the cues God gives me.  I do feel like I had to defend myself for "giving up" on her.  I never did give up on her.  I loved her enough to set her free.  She was sick and felt bad for a long time...longer than any of us knew I'm afraid.  

I was hopeful she would live. But I was also fearful of the "life" she would live.  There were no guarantees.  It became clearer each day that the only guarantee was healing for my mom would not be earthly.  

On Saturday, February 12th, the doctor asked dad and I if we had considered what we would do if her heart stopped.  We were meeting up with Matt the next day so that became an item on our agenda.  The 3 of us talked and got on the same page "if the time comes." Monday, valentine's day, the time came.  

Mom's heart did not stop but she had steadily been declining. After discussing her condition with the doctor, a decision was made that we would give her one week (her birthday is February 21st).  If she had not shown signs of improvement by her birthday, we would let her go the next day. We weren't waiting to celebrate her birthday, we didn't want her to pass on her birthday.  

Saturday, the 19th, we were headed to Quincy to be with her.  That weekend was important because we knew it would be the last.  Before we even left that morning, the doctor was calling to let us know that it was time (long story short). If you have read any of the Supporting Ronna caringbridge.com page, you have already gotten the run down.  

So, the song...

I really have tried to give praise to God throughout this whole mess.  It is harder to pray and praise Him when the storms of life get too loud.  I found myself sitting here tonight thinking about the first few lines of the song. 

    "I was sure by now God, 

    You would have reached down 

    And wiped our tears away

    Stepped in and saved the day..."

I will say with all honesty, I was having a very hard time giving praise when I sat down to write this blog.  I am broken hearted, exhausted and emotionally spent.  I have put on a brave front and genuinely thanked God for giving mom peace...until tonight.  No matter what demons I am fighting, they are always worse at night.

Somewhere between the first and twentieth time I listened to this song, I had a light bulb moment.  Yes, I am having a difficult time praising God in this storm...from my own perspective.  I am on the outside and I am hurting.  That is where my focus was.  My head knows the words to be true, my heart just doesn't understand. 

But, let me look at this from mom's perspective.  She is happy, healthy and safe in His arms. I have no doubt she is in heaven reaping the rewards of her life here on earth.  The broken heart, sadness and tears are worthy of praise. God has given mom peace and comfort. And in the midst of this raging storm, He carries me when I can't go on. 

Praise You In This Storm-Casting Crowns

Lyrics

I was sure by now God, 

You would have reached down 

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day 

And once again I say,

"A-men" and it's still rainin'

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you" 

And as Your mercy falls 

I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

 And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand 

You never left my side 

And though my heart is torn 

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry, 

You raised me up again 

But my strength is almost gone 

How can I carry on 

If I can't find You? 

But as the thunder rolls 

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain 

"I'm with you" 

And as Your mercy falls

I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are 

No matter where I am 

And every tear I've cried 

You hold in Your hand 

You never left my side 

And though my heart is torn 

I will praise You in this storm 

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord 

The maker of heaven and earth 

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord 

The maker of heaven and earth 

(I lift my eyes unto the hills) 

(Where does my help come from?) 

 And I'll praise You in this storm 

And I will lift my hands 

For You are who You are 

No matter where I am 

Every tear I've cried 

You hold in Your hand 

You never left my side 

Though my heart is torn 

 I will praise You in this storm 

And though my heart is torn 

(Though my heart is torn) 

I'll praise You in this storm 

(Praise You in this storm)

 

Songwriters: Bernie Herms / John Mark Mark Hall 

Praise You In This Storm lyrics © Sony/atv Tree Publishing, Banahama Tunes, My Refuge Music, Word Music, Llc