Dear Younger Me...

I have yet to hear a Mercy Me song that I don't like.  They have a great sound and amazing lyrics.  I heard this song on the radio this morning and its in my head now.  While I sit here listening to it on repeat, typing this blog I think about all of the things that have shaped me into the person I am today.  

Two weeks ago I had a birthday; the big 4-0. I am 40 years old.  I accept that I have been on this earth for roughly 21,024,000 minutes.  It stings a little but I am not going to deny my age.  Some days I am amazed that I made it through each decade; teens, twenties, thirties... 

I don't recall turning from 19 to 20. Twenty-one is pretty clear.  It was a Sunday. I have fond memories of the later twenty-something birthdays although I could not tell you what happened on a specific year.  The twenties...pressure from everywhere to get married and have a family.  Ugh...

Thirty came and I was relieved. At 30, if you are not married with a family society has written you off.  There is so much pressure on women to be a wife and mother.  For all of my twenties I was worried I would not fit into the mold.  By 30, I gave society the finger.  

Here I am at 40, writing to my younger self.  There are just a few things I would like to say.

  

1.  In the situations you felt weak in, you were strong. 💪

2.  In the situations you felt strong in, you were scared of being weak.😰

3.  Don't spend so much time worrying about what other people think.  "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."  -Dr. Seuss 💭

4.  Accept yourself.  You are amazing just the way you are.  💣

5.  Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.  The only limitations you have are set by you.  😣

6.  Use your finger more. 😉

7.  Regret nothing.  The choices you've made are what makes the you that you are today.  💙

8.  Don't hold grudges.  They only hurt you.😡

9.  Appreciate your friends.  You never know when one might get away.  💔

10. Keep your faith.  🙏

 

 

Dear Younger Me-Mercy Me 

 

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me,

 

 

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me

 

 

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

 

 

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

 

 

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

 

 

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

 

 

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

 

 

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

 

 

Songwriters: Barry Graul / Bart Millard / Ben Glover / David Garcia / Michael Scheuchzer / Nathan Cochran / Robby Shaffer

Dear Younger Me lyrics © Music Services, Inc

Be the One (Suicide Awareness Post 2017)

**Disclaimer: I post this from past experiences. I am in a good place emotionally. I have an amazing family and support system, friends, church, and an extremely fun job. My job is part of what keeps me emotionally healthy. There is such hope in our future!

Ok, shit's about to get real. Y'all know I don't hold back so this is going to be a long post. It's going to be uncomfortable for some of you...don't care. September is Suicide Prevention Month. I have been fairly quiet about it; posting a couple of photos but not really saying anything. I have seen the aftermath of suicide on families. It is heartbreaking. I have also suffered from major depression, PTSD and anxiety for several years (to varying degrees). I had a rough time getting through college and managing my emotional illnesses. I made it through; 3+ GPA, B.A. with a double major in Criminal Justice and Sociology (3 credits away from a minor in History). Bragging? Not really. But I am DAMN PROUD of myself for facing my demons and still coming out on top. Do I kick myself because I half-assed the last class of my last semester (got a D, hated that class) and screwed myself out of honors? Sometimes. Point is, I did make it out on top. There were days when I didn't think I would.But I had excellent friends and counselors that stood by me. I am not going to tag every one because there are too many.

The last 3 years have been extremely rough on my extended family. The majority of you know this. Everyone suffers loss and I do not discount that. But when your emotional foundation is fragile to begin with, those things are magnified. I (WE) have made it this far; day by day, some good, some not. But again, I am on top.

Now the purpose of this post; those people closest to me knew the signs of my demons putting up a fight. I've seen graphics over and over saying "know the signs". I want to add to that. Watch your friends' social media. I have "white flags" I post as much as for myself as anyone else. The shadow figures of the little girl facing a demon? If you see that as my profile picture, I am having a rough time. People aren't always straight forward with each other, we all know this. Look for pictures, songs, quotes. I have an entire album of pictures of butterflies. I unload into that album when those issues are affecting me. Really listen to the words of a song/lyrics posted. Mind you, I have been posting a lot of videos lately. I just recently went fan girl over 1D; up until about 2 weeks ago I could not have told you what they sang or who was in the group. I digress... it is obvious when a song is posted for fun v. an emotional reaction to something. Those are 2 huge flags you can find on my FB page and I doubt I am the only one who does that. Y'all probably think I post too much and share too much. When I stop posting (or slow down noticeably), another flag.

So, what do you do?

**Ok, first...what not to do. DO NOT lecture a person on how to change, improve their life, improve on their flaws, or "downgrade" their situation. This is about validation, acceptance and support. Each person has their own reality. What may seem like nothing to one person, may be the whole world to another. This is NOT about you fixing everything or about you period.

Do not lie or with hold information because you think they are weak. They fight emotional demons every day and are probably some of the strongest people you will ever meet.

DO NOT USE THE PHRASE, "Suicide is so selfish." I will tell you right now, if I ever hear someone I care about say that one of two things will happen. No. 1 (the most pleasant BTW) This applies mostly to new relationships/friendships. Don't let the door hit you in the ass as you're leaving and don't come back. No. 2 is for the familial attachments, long term or unbreakable bonds/relationships. I will try to remain calm, "may the odds be ever in your favor". Yes, you have just entered the Hunger Games. And that is all I will say about that.**

Reach out if for no other reason than to say hi or send a smile to someone. Depression is extremely lonely. I know I am loved by so many people yet at times I felt like I was alone in the world. Sending a short text, pm or email, or attempting to call shows that there is someone out there that cares enough that they took time out of their day to reach out...to you. I say attempt a phone call because I am bad about not answering. But anyone of these things lets me, for example, know I crossed someone's mind that day.

You do not have to have all the answers or all the time in the world. That is what professionals are for. I love the post I've seen on FB about the young man who was bullied and his books were knocked out of his hands. Another kind young man helped him pick up his books and walked with him home. At the end of that story the young man gives a speech at graduation. The point of his speech was that he had planned on going home and attempting suicide but for the kindness of that other young boy. One reason I love it so much is because that is what we all need; one person, to show some kindness and/or that they care.

To those of you reading this that might be fighting these demons, IT DOES GET BETTER. That is not an empty platitude, I promise. You are strong! Stronger than most people know. And you are NOT alone. <3

Feel free to share this. If it helps one person, it is worth it. #bethe1to