Broken Hearted: A Tribute

 I found Guy Penrod's "Knowing What I Know About Heaven" in January 2015.  I had lost one grandmother the previous September. Helen had an aggressive cancer that quickly overtook her 88 year old body.  My family and I had spent months preparing for the earthly departure of my other grandmother.  Rosie had dementia.  A once vibrant, funny lady had withered into a shell of the woman she once was.  As much as I love my grandmothers, they were old and ill.  There was comfort and solace in their passing.  I had prayed for healing for months knowing exactly what "healing" would entail; not all healing is earthly.
 

Epiphany Sunday, 2015, started as any normal day would.  On the way to church, my mom and I stopped by to visit my aunts and grandma.  Aunt Joy was extremely ill; barrel chested and short of breath. After a short back and forth; my mom said, "call an ambulance." It wasn't so much a statement as a question, suggestion even.  Ironically, she had an epiphany. ( Epiphany: an intuitive grasp of reality through something usually simple and striking).  Over the next few days, Joy ended up in the CCU at Northeast Regional and was ultimately transported to Columbia's University Hospital.  

 As the family's medical advocate, my mom could not be with my grandma and in Columbia.  I made the decision to go in her place.  Joni and I arrived at University Hospital Tuesday evening accompanied by Joy's daughter.  By Wednesday afternoon, the prognosis was grim.  The doctor asked the family to consider removing the full code (life saving measures) to a DNR (do not resuscitate).  Joy was in a coma, on a ventilator and medically paralyzed.  Her body was fighting so hard to breath that she was exhausting herself.

No Matter What

I'm a talker, I can talk about almost anything, almost anywhere.  I was, however, hesitant about writing a blog.  I'm not a writer.  I do not feel I have any profound words of wisdom to impart on the world. But here I am...

I should be sleeping but this blog post is weighing on my mind or heart, or both.  I don't know what it will end up being.  I guess we'll all be surprised.  (I am open to suggestions!)

Music speaks to me, motivates my creative processes.  After some searching I found the song I was looking for.  I knew what I wanted but I couldn't remember the name or artist.  I have added a link to the YouTube video and the lyrics below.

I had a "Sunday School" teacher once that asked each of us to describe how we prayed.  What did we say?  How often?  How long?  It was a Wednesday night children's program.  I was probably in junior high at the time.  The only part of my answer that I remember is the first sentence, "I thank God for everything and then I thank Jesus for dying on the cross for me."  Wrong!

Wrong answer! A well-meaning, yet misinformed, adult scolded me for thanking God before I thanked Jesus for dying on the cross.  I still start my prayers with thanks to God then Jesus.  And to this day, I hear that reprimand in my head every time. That gentleman taught my friends and me a lot of good stuff, I'm sure.  But that is what I remember...

Does God get wound up because I don't pray correctly?  I don't think so.  There is a simple answer from the Bible on how to pray.  It's not complicated. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "16 Rejoice always. 17 Pray without ceasing. 18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

This story brings me to today's song, "No Matter What" by Ryan Stevenson.  Is God going to turn his back on me because I'm not perfect?  Some people might think so, I do not.  God is not a "fair weather" friend.   You can't erase his love.

He will not turn his back on you.  If you have the desire in your heart to be forgiven, all you have to do is ask.  Some days are easier than others.  I go to bed most nights asking for help to be a better person tomorrow than I was today.  I pray each morning to be a better person today than I was yesterday.  God doesn't care how you ask; just do it.  The price has been paid by Jesus Christ.

P.S. God has forgiven you, forgive yourself....

No Matter What by Ryan Stevenson 

 

 No Matter What (Ryan Stevenson)

 

A lot of us grew up believing
At any moment we could lose it all
And at the drop of a hat
God might turn His back and move on

A lot of us feel like we blew it
Thinking that we're just too far gone
But I want you to know
There's still a hope for you now

No matter what you've done
You can't erase His love
Nothing can change it
You're not separated
No matter what

There's never been a better time to get honest
There's never been a better time to get clean
So come as you are
Run to the cross and be free
Oh, be free

No matter what you've done
You can't erase His love
Nothing can change it
You're not separated
No matter where you run
He's always holding on
You're still a daughter, you're still a son
No matter what

I don't know what you've been taught
Don't know what you've been told
All I know is my God
Will never let go of you, no
And I don't know what you've seen
Don't know what you've been through
All I know is my God
Will never let go of you
He'll never let go!
He'll never, never, never let you go

No matter what you've done
You can't erase His love
Nothing can change it
You're not separated
No matter where you run
He's always holding on
You're still a daughter, you're still a son

No matter what
You're still a daughter, you're still a son!

No matter what

The Purge: Let It Go

Lauren Daigle first came to my attention in April, 2018.  I had started listening to the Christian radio station in late March.  I went to Illinois on my Emmaus Walk the last weekend of April.  Our theme song was her song, "O Lord." As I drive to work every morning and return home every afternoon, I listen to Spirit FM.  Some days, that 30 minute drive feels like my only solace from a hateful world.  The music is catchy and uplifting; the radio personalities pass no judgment.

The Emmaus Walk (named after Luke 24:13-35) is a three day spiritual retreat.  Each day after your walk is your "fourth day." I was on the verge of spiritual bankruptcy when I visited my friend, Lynne, in March.  I had taken a week of vacation for some much needed down time.  On a whim, I left town.  Little did I know that my "whim" was God's plan.

Lynne had signed up for her Emmaus Walk and had a meeting the day I would be visiting.  I went along.  I drove four hours to visit my friend, what could a 30 or so minute meeting hurt?  The testimonies and persuasions were so vague yet so powerful.  Emmaus is a very personal thing; it is different for each person.  It was amazing  but I digress....

My fourth days have been filled with change and challenges.  That is life.  I have slowly felt myself slipping into that spiritual bankruptcy that I had narrowly avoided earlier this year.  As I expressed my feelings to a friend at church this morning, she said, "Give it all to God" (or something similar).  Of course! Why didn't I think of that??

Truthfully, I have tried several times to "let it go" to God this past week.  I have control issues; I am the mighty Oak. Ha.  I don't want to be mighty or strong.  One thing life has "taught" me: if  I am not in control I am weak.  The rational part of me knows this is the most idiotic notion I have ever had. My wounded, scarred psyche still refuses to let it go; all of "it."

The things in life that do not matter.  Things that have no importance at all.  Every little mistake I have made in life.  Mistakes made ten years ago or ten minutes ago.  Failures that may not appear to be failures to others yet keep me up at night.

The truth is, I am not mighty or strong.  I am not in control.  I am a hot mess that could break down at any moment.  This is my attempt to let it ALL go.  I write this, listening to Lauren Diagle's "You Say."  The words of the song (lyrics below) are perfect for where I am in my life right now.
 

This song reminds me that all that matters is God's never ending love and prevenient grace.  Through Jesus Christ, God has forgiven me for my mistakes and failures. He loves me.  The term that comes to mind is "rose colored glasses."  God sees me through loving eyes.  If he can love me and give me grace, why can't I?  With such amazing gifts, why does "it" matter?

So, here is my purge:
I give it to you, God.  You know the things that weigh heavy on my heart.  I trust you and will stay out of your way as you are really in control.  I will remind myself that your love is all that really matters.  I will do my best to serve you as I walk my fourth days.  I want to be an example of your love and grace to everyone I come in contact with.  Please help me to be that example.  In Jesus' name. Amen.
 

You Say  (Lauren Daigle)

"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh I believe (I), yes I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh I believe (oh)"

 

Songwriters: Paul Mabury / Lauren Ashley Daigle / Jason Ingram

 You Say lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC