Grace Will Lead Me Home

 

Here I am, music on repeat. It is at my lowest or ascending from my lowest that I always end up back here.  I guess I should be grateful that I do not end up here more often.  

Now, where do I even start?? This new year has kicked the living crap out of me and many others.  I decided to start fresh at the end/beginning of the year; spread my wings and fly (again), if you will.  I did not know that this flight would be a free fall into grief and despair.  I'm learning...

I'm learning to live without my mother. I'm learning my limitations; the lingering effect of c19 (I refuse to give that evil a platform by saying its name). I'm learning to let myself rest. I'm learning to allow myself to rest without feeling bad about it.  I'm learning grace.

I've been sick.  I will spare you the details, that is not the purpose of this post.  I have been in the lowest valleys I have walked in years. The "younger me" would have given up, called it quits by now.  But I am still going...by grace alone.

God's grace has kept me going, through all of you.  I have asked for prayers for myself more times than I can count in the last two weeks.  God and my praying friends have been faithful.  In my times of need, He was there for me. When I felt like I was hanging on by a thread, Jesus had carried me.

I have seen God's grace and love countless times in the past couple of months.  The support shown to Pantry for Adair County has been overwhelming.  I can never thank you enough. Our community will be blessed beyond measure thanks to your generosity.  

I, personally, have been blessed many times with the "Godwinks" that so often remind me of how special my angel momma really was. I want to share a few of the blessings with you.  They come in the most unexpected ways, at the most unexpected times.  But they always come when I need them the most.

After church yesterday, while waiting to be seated for lunch, I was visiting with some friends and their parents.  As I was introduced to this very nice couple who knew my parents, someone from nearby said, "I want in on these introductions."    I remember thinking, "What? Is this lady going to fan girl my friend while I'm standing here visiting?"  

Before I had a clue what was happening, this wonderful woman was in my face, introducing herself with her arms wrapped around me.  This was an acquaintance of mine.  She worked with my mom, we had corresponded many times via email. I don't even mind admitting that I squealed a bit when she told me who she was.  The hug she gave me was one of comfort and peace, right when I needed it. I emailed her later on, letting her know how meaningful that was to me.  I know it was my mom that brought us together.

I had text some select people asking for prayers early this morning. I was energized by the exchange from yesterday, for sure.  But my bucket was pretty empty.  Extra prayers couldn't hurt, right??

I had an eye appointment later on.  While I was sitting there, I noticed I recognized the woman sitting nearby.  She was busy so I went about my business. As she got up to leave, she looked at me and said, "Hi sweetie" and came over and gave me a hug.  I know this woman yet the exchange was so much more than our previous dealings would have predicted.  It was fantastic!

I worked all afternoon and got home around 4:30p.m. I don't usually check the mail but decided I would do so today.  I pulled out one box, identifying it as something I was expecting.  As I pulled out the second box, I wondered what I had forgotten to expect.  

I came into the house and sat my stuff down, looking at the box.  I didn't recognize the return address or company.  I got a little worried, wondering what I had ordered unintentionally. Funds are limited right now... I opened the box and out came a letter and some gift items.  It occurred to me that it might be a gift.  But from whom? 

I made myself some dinner and had sat down to eat when my phone rang.  It was a longtime friend asking if I was home. She wanted to stop by. I did some piddly things around the house while waiting for her to arrive.

As I opened the door, I see her standing there with a little red bag in the shape of a heart.  She said, "I have something for you." She pulled out a beaded bracelet and said, "I want you to have this. I may have to get more beads but I want you to have it." 

The bracelet had a little gold cross charm on it. She said that it is something that you carry until you notice someone who is struggling and then you pass it on to them.  I was in tears.  Even though she took the bracelet to get it sized, her act of kindness was beyond measure.  I hope one day I can pass it on to a struggling someone and bless them like I have been blessed.

This evening my phone went off.  It was a text asking if I had gotten my gift.  I instantly remembered the box and my friend asking for my address, telling me I would find out why at the end of the month.  The little box of hope was from her.  That was weeks ago yet God had exact and perfect timing in mind.  

Every one of the blessings I have received in the last couple of days have filled my bucket. It may not be overflowing, but I've got a pretty good start.  Because of my family and friends praying for me and God's grace, I can see sunshine through the dark clouds that had filled the sky.  Through God's grace, I have seen my mom's love.  A love that I am learning more every day, is the sunshine of my life. 

Grace Will Lead Me Home

There is a place prepared for me
More beautiful than eyes have seen
When these burdens weigh me down
I won't lose heart, I will not doubt

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home
Through every trial I have come
Only Your grace will lead me home

There is an end to suffering
Where I will rest in perfect peace
In the presence of the King
My eyes will see what I've believed

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home
Through every trial I have come
Only Your grace will lead me home
Lead me home, yeah

When I've been there ten thousand years
And Mercy's dried off every tear
My debt was paid but still I'll owe
My life to Grace who led me home

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home

Grace will lead me home
Grace will lead me home
Through every trial I have come
You were the shelter through every storm
God you were with me all along
Only your grace will lead me home
Only your grace will lead me home
Lead me home, lead me home, lead me home

Songwriters: Benji Cowart / David Dunn / Hank Bentley

Grace Will Lead Me Home lyrics © Essential Music Publishing, Mike Curb Music, Music Services, Inc, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Supermarket Flowers

"You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back He said Hallelujah
You're home"

It's 2:18 a.m. and here I am, playing google roulette.  Sometimes I just google various phrases to see if I can find the words for what I am feeling.  Sometimes I find it, other times I don't.  Tonight, google served me well.  I think I had probably heard this song before.  But, like everything else, it has taken on new meaning in this new phase of my life.  

Mom loved flowers. Prior to 2015, she and grandma had both yards full of all different flowers.  When grandma passed away in 2015, mom slowly started transplanting flowers.  Flowers that had given then both so much joy were replanted into our yard; one last reminder of my grandma.  

Anyone that knows my family knows the last several years of our Rosie's life were not the most pleasant for her, nor for us.  As the second oldest of 15 grandchildren, I knew both Rosie's. I have such bittersweet memories.  I remember when I was a young woman, she was my partner in crime.  We would get into simple mischief, spending many an hour giggling.  

I guess you could say I am one of the lucky ones. On one hand, I got to know that Rosie.  My younger cousins did not all get that opportunity.  On the other, I mourn the loss of that silly, carefree woman.  By the time she had come to the end of her days, that Rosie had been gone for a long time.  What remained was a shell of the woman she once was.

Rosie had dementia.  Her brain gave out long before her body did.  My mom became her mom.  Rosie's reality was that of her childhood.  It was extremely difficult for my mom and aunts who cared for her.  It was a constant vigil to make sure she did not wonder off or do something to get hurt.  It is fair to say that by the time that second Rosie passed away, I had no tears left.  I prayed every day and night that she would pass peacefully.  

I remember one day I was at Aldi in the check-out line.  The older lady in front of me saw the bouquet of flowers I had with my other items and commented on how pretty they were.  I explained they were for my grandma. I snuck another bouquet of flowers onto my pile. 

I purchased the second bouquet for this stranger.  When I gave them to her, we talked for just a bit.  I explained that my grandma had dementia and had always loved flowers.  I always tried to buy her a bouquet when I was out and about.  The lady told me that her husband had just passed away from Alzheimer's.  She told me how lucky my grandmother was to have a granddaughter like me. My Rosie spoke to me through that kind stranger that day.  

After my grandpa passed away in 2017, the "angel garden" was completely moved to my parent's yard.  Mom took such pride in her flowers. They reminded her of Rosie and gave her great joy.  They were a lot of work, but she tended to them with great care.  After I got stung in 2000-2001, I didn't have much to do with the flowers.  I loved to look at them, but the pollen bothered my allergies not to mention the risk of venom insect sting that could cause serious allergic reactions.

As I sit here writing this, I can see the garden stones and angels that will now become a part of the angel garden. Garden stones that will serve as a reminder of what we've lost. My heart hurts when I remember she's gone. I don't forget, I just hope that I will wake up from this nightmare.  

Mom was in a coma for a good portion of January and all of February.  I can't help but think of all of the supermarket flowers she missed: get well flowers, valentine's day flowers, birthday flowers. And my heart breaks at the thought of all of the supermarket flowers she will miss as we all carry on without her. 

"I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know a heart that's broke is a heart        that's been loved."

Supermarket Flowers-Ed Sheeran

I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill
I threw the day-old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Matthew had made
Memories of a life that's been loved
Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink
Dad always told me, "Don't you cry when you're down"
But mum, there's a tear every time that I blink
Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case
John says he'd drive then put his hand on my cheek
And wiped a tear from the side of my face
I hope that I see the world as you did 'cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You're home

Songwriters: Johnny Mcdaid / Edward Christopher Sheeran / Benjamin Joseph Levin

Praise You In This Storm

The intro to this song is the most amazing thing I have ever heard. That is what I thought the first time I heard it.  That was about the same time mom went into the hospital.  I played it repeatedly, knowing God was in control of "our" situation.  I sit here now, my broken heart screaming while I listen to it.  

This heartbreaking storm started on January 11th and ended on February 19, 2022.  Almost 4 weeks to the day since the last time dad and I had talked to her in person. She called me in a panic because they were taking her by ambulance to Quincy.  She needed the usual items for her hospital stay.  Clean pajamas, socks, underwear.  I rushed around, got her stuff and went back to the hospital. Dad and I waited with her for almost 2 hours until the ambulance came.  

When I hugged her and told her I loved her, I never dreamed it would be the last time.  Dad and I stood at a distance as she was put into the ambulance and it drove away.  We talked to her through zoom the following Tuesday.  We had faith in God and the power of prayer. I still have faith.

                                                                                        

I learned a long time ago that not all healing is earthly.  I've said that so many times to others and, most recently, myself.  Deep down a part of me knew she wouldn't be coming home.  I didn't want to acknowledge the fact at first.  I wasn't giving up on her. But the signs kept coming.

The last time she woke up, she asked for her mom.  My grandma, her mom, died in January 2015. At approximately 3:30 a.m. on February 6th, she came to me.  I was a mess, just like tonight.  I felt her presence and I heard her say to me, "I'm tired." I told her I knew she was tired and it was alright if she wanted to go be with Jesus.  I encouraged my family to do the same later that day.  

I am a pretty spiritual person; I pay attention to the cues God gives me.  I do feel like I had to defend myself for "giving up" on her.  I never did give up on her.  I loved her enough to set her free.  She was sick and felt bad for a long time...longer than any of us knew I'm afraid.  

I was hopeful she would live. But I was also fearful of the "life" she would live.  There were no guarantees.  It became clearer each day that the only guarantee was healing for my mom would not be earthly.  

On Saturday, February 12th, the doctor asked dad and I if we had considered what we would do if her heart stopped.  We were meeting up with Matt the next day so that became an item on our agenda.  The 3 of us talked and got on the same page "if the time comes." Monday, valentine's day, the time came.  

Mom's heart did not stop but she had steadily been declining. After discussing her condition with the doctor, a decision was made that we would give her one week (her birthday is February 21st).  If she had not shown signs of improvement by her birthday, we would let her go the next day. We weren't waiting to celebrate her birthday, we didn't want her to pass on her birthday.  

Saturday, the 19th, we were headed to Quincy to be with her.  That weekend was important because we knew it would be the last.  Before we even left that morning, the doctor was calling to let us know that it was time (long story short). If you have read any of the Supporting Ronna caringbridge.com page, you have already gotten the run down.  

So, the song...

I really have tried to give praise to God throughout this whole mess.  It is harder to pray and praise Him when the storms of life get too loud.  I found myself sitting here tonight thinking about the first few lines of the song. 

    "I was sure by now God, 

    You would have reached down 

    And wiped our tears away

    Stepped in and saved the day..."

I will say with all honesty, I was having a very hard time giving praise when I sat down to write this blog.  I am broken hearted, exhausted and emotionally spent.  I have put on a brave front and genuinely thanked God for giving mom peace...until tonight.  No matter what demons I am fighting, they are always worse at night.

Somewhere between the first and twentieth time I listened to this song, I had a light bulb moment.  Yes, I am having a difficult time praising God in this storm...from my own perspective.  I am on the outside and I am hurting.  That is where my focus was.  My head knows the words to be true, my heart just doesn't understand. 

But, let me look at this from mom's perspective.  She is happy, healthy and safe in His arms. I have no doubt she is in heaven reaping the rewards of her life here on earth.  The broken heart, sadness and tears are worthy of praise. God has given mom peace and comfort. And in the midst of this raging storm, He carries me when I can't go on. 

Praise You In This Storm-Casting Crowns

Lyrics

I was sure by now God, 

You would have reached down 

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day 

And once again I say,

"A-men" and it's still rainin'

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you" 

And as Your mercy falls 

I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

 And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand 

You never left my side 

And though my heart is torn 

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry, 

You raised me up again 

But my strength is almost gone 

How can I carry on 

If I can't find You? 

But as the thunder rolls 

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain 

"I'm with you" 

And as Your mercy falls

I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are 

No matter where I am 

And every tear I've cried 

You hold in Your hand 

You never left my side 

And though my heart is torn 

I will praise You in this storm 

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord 

The maker of heaven and earth 

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord 

The maker of heaven and earth 

(I lift my eyes unto the hills) 

(Where does my help come from?) 

 And I'll praise You in this storm 

And I will lift my hands 

For You are who You are 

No matter where I am 

Every tear I've cried 

You hold in Your hand 

You never left my side 

Though my heart is torn 

 I will praise You in this storm 

And though my heart is torn 

(Though my heart is torn) 

I'll praise You in this storm 

(Praise You in this storm)

 

Songwriters: Bernie Herms / John Mark Mark Hall 

Praise You In This Storm lyrics © Sony/atv Tree Publishing, Banahama Tunes, My Refuge Music, Word Music, Llc

Let's Talk About Grace...

 

 I first heard the words "prevenient grace" in 2018.  God works in wonderful ways. I was at a low point in my church life; I was BURNT out.  On a whim I went to visit a dear friend, a mentor in my spiritual journey. There was a meeting at her church that she wanted to attend if I didn't mind going along.  That was the day God laid The Road to Emmaus on my heart.  My love and faith for God never faltered.  It was my faith in the people, the church. 

 By the time I had returned to Missouri,  I knew I had to find a way to get to that weekend retreat.  I asked my pastor at the time if I could borrow the money to go.  I would pay it back as I could.  She agreed, no questions asked.  Sometime later, someone came up to me and said she had heard I was wanting to go to Emmaus.  She had been on her journey and wanted to help me.  Not only did this kind person pay for my trip, she volunteered to drive me there and back.  

The retreat was over five hours away!  This couple, who I hardly knew at the time, gave up an entire weekend so I could experience what God had offered me.  The woman who was going to sponsor my friend (that took me to the meeting) offered to sponsor me also.  I managed to get just enough time off of work for the trip.  It was really short notice. I visited my friend in March and the retreat was at the end of April.   What an amazing experience it was! God had put me where I needed to be, with the people I needed to be with.   

 

Fast forward to 2021.  I have often thought about God's prevenient grace; the grace that I was given before I even knew I needed it.  A grace that I did nothing to deserve.  Prevenient grace was not something I had heard spoken about in worship or conversation. That changed on July 4, 2021.  

Like most Methodist Congregations, we had said good-bye to a good friend and pastor in anticipation of a new one. The new guy.  These situations can go one of two ways. Long story short...the new guy used "prevenient grace" AND "agape" in his sermon that day.  Well played, God. Well played.  I knew before that sermon was over that God had put the new guy in the right place with the right people.  

Grace... 

God has given His unconditional love and unending grace so freely. I've had to remind myself of that numerous times today.  Why can I not grant myself that same grace and love?  I am my own worst critic and today has been one of those days.  When I heard this song earlier today, I knew I had to write in response.  This one is for me.  

The words speak right to my heart. I do feel broken today. I do feel like I am carrying the weight of the world. I don't know what the future holds and it drives me crazy.  But I do know that GOD's grace has found me and that is all I need.  God will see me through the good times and the lesser times.  I will remind myself God gave me life and will continue to sustain my life.

Until Grace-Tauren Wells, Gary LeVox 

Lyrics

 I knew I was broken but there was no one that I could tell
Praying felt like I was throwing pennies in a wishing well
And I started believing I was cursed to carry this weight
I was listing the reasons of why I should walk away

Until grace called my name
Oh, I didn't know I could be free
Until grace found me
Until grace broke these chains
Oh, I didn't know I could be free
Until grace found, Your grace found me

I might be looking at a future full of question marks
But I don't to have all of the answers if You have my heart
In You I'm finding redemption a little more with every breath
Brand new like the morning and I'll never forget that…

Until grace called my name (Until grace)
Oh, I didn't know I could be free
Until grace found me (Oh, found me)
Until grace broke these chains (Broke these chains)
Oh, I didn't know I could be free (I could be free)
Until grace found, Your grace found me (Your grace found me)

You came like force of nature, knocked down every wall I made
You rescued my soul when I thought there was no escape, no
You came like force of nature, knocked down every wall I made
You rescued my soul when I thought there was no escape

Until grace, oh
Uh, tell it to Him

Until grace (Until grace) called my name (Called my name)
Oh, I didn't know I could be free (I didn't know I could be free)
Until grace found me
Until grace
Until grace broke these chains (Broke these chains)
I didn't know I could be free
Until grace found, Your grace found me (Your grace found me)
Oh, oh thank You, Jesus
Your grace found me  

 

Writer(s): Chuck Butler, Tauren Wells, Ethan Hulse

Say I Won't

 

 Per usual, this blog is inspired by a song.  Here is the link if you want to listen before you read the blog.  I will post the lyrics at the bottom of the blog.  

 Mercy Me "Say I Won't"

I'm back! I have been encouraged to start blogging again, this time focusing on my current health journey. I am starting with some backstory so bear with me.  Today, I have decided to be a STAR.  I'm going to stop, take a deep breath (and), relax and write. I hope you find this entertaining, interesting and maybe, just maybe, some of you will be led to take action if you are having health issues.  

Two thousand- twenty was a shit show (pardon my language). That is a different bag I won't even open.  As someone who already struggles with mental wellness, it was a very difficult year.  I am not discounting the emotional damage caused just by the pandemic; just being real here.  Like a lot of people, I spent 10 weeks in quarantine while utilizing "distance" learning to stay in contact and support with my toddlers.  My work life was turned upside down. 

 As an active member in our church worship services, the need for distance church services turned that aspect of my life upside down. I was not needed in the ways I was at "in-person" worship.  My relationship with "church" was still recovering from a period of uncertainty and instability as well.  It was a time of difficulty for all of us.  I will say that my church and I were blessed to have a pastor and leader who, despite his own unspoken trials, stood strong and carried us through. 

I am not one that handles change well, especially sudden change. I need time to prepare myself  for change.  I find this quote appropriate for the sudden changes I have experienced in my life. 

Two thousand-twenty was not that level of difficult but it was uncomfortable.  My work life was thrown into change, the church and social aspects and routine were changed.  These changes combined with the emotional fears of an unknown illness, weighed heavy on me.  

I'm not going to lie, I know this downhill health spiral started long before 2020. I would say it has been 20, or more, years in the making; an avalanche that finally reached rock bottom.  I was seriously stung by venom insects (bees or wasps) between 1998 and 2000. I have probably mentioned this in previous blogs. If not, I was stung while mowing my yard. I mowed up over a sawed off stump and it had a hive of wood baring bees that took offense at my disrupting them.  My mom stopped counting, I believe, at 100 stings.  

For our purposes, I am going to fast forward to the last half of 2020. I felt horrible.  I went to work, I came home and went to bed.  I just barely had enough energy to get through the work day; even then it was God carrying me I'm sure.  I had constant respiratory issues; asthma, bronchitis, environmental allergies, sinus infections.  I was tested for C-19 at least 4 times because of the symptoms of these different things. I had just about convinced myself that this was my life and all it would ever be. I think that was around November, 2020.  

I struggled through the holiday seasons and into the new year; merely existing.  In the back of my mind I had always wondered if the bee sting incident had caused adverse affects.  In late January, I starting doing some loose research online for anything that would give me some answers.  I found this thing called Histamine Intolerance (HI).  I'm not going to go into what it is, I will post a link to an article I found useful if you would like to know more. After lots of reading and internet "doctoring" I decided to try the suggestions given for a HI diet.

Histamine Intolerance by Healthline

  **Keep in mind, I knew cow's milk/dairy was something I had some degree of allergy to.  I stayed away from milk, ice cream, cottage cheese altogether and very rarely consumed sour cream.  I enjoy all of these things but I experienced respiratory symptoms (wheezing, shortness of breath, coughing, asthma, bronchitis) after eating these things so I refrained as often as I could.  I did not feel like cooked milk was an issue so I continued eating items that contained milk or milk products.  CHEESE.  I love cheese. I could never give up cheese.  

Back to the histamine elimination diet.  I haphazardly stopped eating processed (canned, boxed) foods, I cut out heavily preserved meats (nitrates), and I bought an app where I could track what I ate and record any symptoms I had.  Within the first two days, I had more energy.  I had more patience and tolerance.  I started on a Monday.  On Friday after work, I decided to try taco bell for supper. I had been doing really well so it was a treat.  Within an hour I was wheezing; I woke up Saturday morning and my face and neck were puffy and swollen.  I was miserable.  At first, I had good days and bad days. That was a bad day.  

By this time it was March and I was eating primarily eggs and potatoes. Although I felt better and I didn't feel like dying every day, I still wasn't healthy.  I decided to see an allergist. I wanted answers.  I was improving but what could I do to continue to improve.  My first visit with the local allergist, I had environmental allergy testing.  I am allergic to the usual suspects; mold, grasses, dogs.  

At this point, HI was my life line.  I was eating to treat histamine intolerance and I was improving. I went back the next week to have food allergy testing.  I tested positive for a cow's milk allergy and a sensitivity to cantaloupe.  Random... When I tried to ask questions about HI, I didn't get the response I wanted.  The doctor dismissed my questions.  He and I had a heated exchange, my mom mediating.  I look back now and realize I needed validation.  The HI diet I had started was helping and I needed to know I was moving in the right direction.  Strangely enough, I still like the guy.  

The last time I saw the allergist was on April 19, 2021.  We agreed to see each other in a year to do fresh allergy testing.  After getting a definite positive reaction to cow's milk, I decided to take it much more seriously than I ever had.  I look back and feel blessed by the presence of God that I am still alive.  I know I lived on borrowed time more than once.  I had severe reactions that could have seriously hurt me.  I just didn't know what I was dealing with.  

I have cut dairy out completely.  I have continued to eat as cleaning as possible.  I try to eat organic. If I am eating out of a can, I try to eat items that have less than 5 ingredients. Fresh vegetables weren't a good option for me; I just didn't get them eaten fast enough. I eat frozen vegetables.  I READ LABELS! I haven't given up Dr. Pepper.  I'm only a couple of months in and I couldn't give it all up at once.  I don't do fast food.  I know where I can eat if going out.  I have learned that asking for "no cheese" is not the same as "I have a dairy allergy". That A-word is taken very seriously.  And it should be.  

The first time I went to a "party" after my cow's milk allergy diagnosis, I was extremely unprepared.  I managed to get a few potatoes right off the stove before anything was added to them.  The only other thing I could eat that day was celery.  I learned that I have to be prepared.  I take my own meals to social gatherings and church functions. I spend hours on the weekend making sure I have prepared freezer meals to eat throughout the week. 

This change in lifestyle has been hard.  It will continue to be hard but I have the motivation to do it.  My motivation is LIFE. I have energy to work all day and still be a productive person when I get home.  I have the energy to go shopping on the weekends.  Most days, I feel good. I didn't realize how bad I felt until I started having good days.  The good days are my life, my motivation.

This song has become my anthem.  I am learning what it means to live and not just be alive. 

 Say I Won't Lyrics

 

Today
It all begins
I'm seeing my life for the very first time
Through a different lens

 

Yesterday
I didn't understand
Driving 35 with the rocket inside
Didn't know what I had

 

While I've been waiting to live
My life's been waiting on me

 

I'm gonna run
No, I'm gonna fly
I'm gonna know what it means to live
And not just be alive
The world's gonna hear
'Cause I'm gonna shout
And I will be dancing when circumstances drown the music out
Say I won't

 

Not enough
Is what I've been told
But it must be a lie
'Cause the Spirit inside says I'm so much more
So let them say what they want
Oh, I dare them to try

 

I'm gonna run
No, I'm gonna fly
I'm gonna know what it means to live
And not just be alive
The world's gonna hear
'Cause I'm gonna shout
And I will be dancing when circumstances drown the music out
Say I won't

 

Say I won't
Say I won't
Say I won't

 

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
So keep on saying I won't
And I'll keep proving you wrong

 

I'm gonna run
No, I'm gonna fly
I'm gonna know what it means to live
And not just be alive
This world's gonna hear, whoa
'Cause I'm gonna shout
And I will be dancing when circumstances drown the music out
Say I won't

 

Say I won't
Say that I won't
Oh, say I won't
Say I won't

 

 

 

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Bart Millard / Jordan Mohilowski

 

 

The Purge 2.0: Come and Lay Your Burdens Down

It's been too long since I've written a blog; a blog I felt was worthy of sharing, that is.  I've said this before and I'm saying it now...shit's about to get real.  As the preppers say, we are in a SHTF situation.  Shit has hit the fan.  That is my reality and as I was once told by a counselor, "everyone has their own reality." So, if you disagree...goodbye.  I'm not here to debate, argue or fight. If I sound angry, I am.

Angry is just one of the descriptive words I could use right now.  I am frustrated, exhausted, irritable, anxious, sad and restless.  That is just the tip of the iceberg.  I feel suffocated and isolated by this quarantine but irritated and annoyed by human interaction at the same time.  A part of me wants to be social while a bigger part of me is terrified of leaving the house. 

If you are late getting to this party, let me explain.  I have major depression, anxiety (generalized and social), and post traumatic stress.  I started seeing a psychiatrist and counselor between 2004 and 2007. If I keep a routine, I do pretty well.  Right now I don't have that routine that I rely on to make it day to day.

My routine was just getting back on track from two weeks off for Christmas when news of C-19 entered my realm.  One thing you have to understand, any ONE of the emotional illnesses listed above can cause hypersensitivity.  At any given time, I am struggling to keep one, two or all three under control.  Each day is different; each day a different struggle. 

So, I have my regular struggles and now I have the added struggles of the uncertainty of the world compounded by a lack of routine.  I am not obligated to get up and go to work.  I get up and work throughout the day but I do not have the structure of being at work. I am naturally a night person.  I have to make myself be a morning person; I am not always successful. 

That is my major fight right now. I am anxious, out of routine, scared, stressed, etc. so I don't sleep.  I lay awake and my mind whirls in circles with all of the things I should have done today or yesterday and all of the things I need to do today or tomorrow; beating myself up for every failure or mistake I've ever made.  Most or all of which, didn't even register as being noticeable to anyone but me. 

I wrote a post several years ago about this image.  This use to be my go to profile picture.  When I was feeling down or depressed I would use it because this is how I felt.  After writing that post and "revealing" my secret about the correlation between the image and my emotional state, I haven't used it as my profile picture.  But, unfortunately, this is where I am at right now.

I'm fighting it.  I've fought bigger battles than I am fighting right now and I have come out the winner.  I have not done it alone.  Never have I done this alone.  Heck, I didn't do it at all.  God did it.  Maybe one day I will be confident enough to share that on this blog.  I am not shy about telling people about it but a public blog post...

With all that has happened this year, Easter just wasn't Easter.  It wasn't the lack of worship or dressing up, all of those things that come with a traditional Easter.  It was me spiritually.  I've not been in a good place spiritually.  I don't usually have a difficult time finding Jesus in hard times but my "funk" had pushed Him away with everyone else.  

I felt at the time that I was resisting the love and grace that God has given me through Jesus Christ.  A little secret? It is hard to accept the love and grace of ANYONE, even God Almighty, when you are depressed.  But He is stubborn.  He finally got through and I am starting to feel the love again.  

I am ready to graciously accept the blood and body of Jesus who died on the cross for me.  That might sound pompous but let me explain.  I have once again accepted that I have done nothing to deserve the grace of God.  It does not matter how helpless or worthless I feel, He does not care.  He loves me unconditionally.  

Even on days when I find it impossible to love myself, He loves me! And guess what...HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS!!  That is why I'm here tonight.  It's 1:37 a.m. and I am listening to Jamie Kimmett's song Burdens repeatedly while I write.  The lyrics of the song are the inspiration for this blog.  I've been wanting to write on this one for a while, I guess it was time.  

If you are reading this, I hope you find solace in this song.  As I pray my purge, I wish you well.  

Heavenly Father, 

Please forgive me for my transgressions and for pushing you away.  Please help me to be a better person tomorrow than I was today.  Let me be a light that shines on your people. Thank you for the beautiful day you have given me and for the promise of a new day.  Thank you for the blood and body of your son Jesus Christ.  Please help me to remember that with you all things are possible.  With your help I will overcome this "funk" that I am in and you will lead me to do your will.  Thank you for all of the things that I take for granted each day.  The people closest to me that get the worst of me when I am in this state of mind.  

Thank you for the gifts and talents you have given me so that I may do your work, even if I fail sometimes. Help me to remember, Lord, that you are in control and I don't have to be.  I don't have to carry the burdens of the world.  Remind me to lay them down at His feet.

Lord, please guide our leaders in their decision making.  Help us as a society come together to support each other.  Please be with the men and women who lead us in your word.  They carry many burdens of the people, please bare that load for them.  I ask for safety for my family, friends and all of the people you have put in my life.  Thank you God for sending your only Son to die on the cross for us and thank you Jesus for dying that most horrible death so I can be forgiven for my sins.  In Jesus' name.  Amen

Burdens by Jamie Kimmett

When the night comes, when you're all alone

When there's trouble stirring in your soul

And if your world is falling apart

Just hold on for the morning break to dawn

Come and lay your burdens down 

To the place where freedom is found

At the feet, at the feet of Jesus

Come and lay your burdens down

When the deepest sorrow weighs on your heart

When you've prayed for answers but the answers never come

For every tear that you cry

There's a promise He will make your burdens light

Come and lay your burdens down

To the place where freedom is found

At the feet, at the feet of Jesus

Come and lay your burdens down

Oh, lay them down, ooh-ooh

Oh, lay them down, oh

When we see Him face to face

All our worries will surely fade away

In the presence of His glorious light

We'll sing hallelujah to the One who gave us life!

Come and lay your burdens down

To the place where freedom is found

At the feet, at the feet of Jesus

Come and lay your burdens down

So come and lay your burdens down

To the place where freedom is found

At the feet, at the feet of Jesus

Come and lay your burdens down

Come and lay your burdens down

Are You Listening?

It's a new year! It seems like life goes by so quickly when things are going well; there is never enough time in the day to do the things that you want or need to get done.  At other times it feels like the day or moment will never end.  Those are the hard days; the days when so many things have gone wrong, you've had a fight with someone close or you are just battling your demons.  In those moments it is hard to have faith that God is nearby let alone doing great things in your life.  "Where are you God?" is not a question I have ever asked, honestly.  I have wondered and asked many times "what's the purpose of that" a LOT. I think one reason I don't question God's presence is because at the lowest of low times in my life, God has carried me through.  That doesn't mean I don't get impatient.  

I've read a lot about God's timing lately.  I have occasionally felt change coming.  For example, after much prayer, care and consideration I applied to nursing school in 2004.  Before a friend/coworker joked that I could join with him and we could flunk out together (seriously, he said that), I had never considered nursing.  Withing a week or so of praying, I had the confidence needed to apply.  There was never a doubt in my mind that God had planted that seed in my head and I would be successful in it.  That doesn't mean there weren't a lot of nay-Sayers.  This was a huge life change, time and financial commitment.  **To be fair, I finished high school with a 1.97 GPA.  There were tests to be passed to even be considered for the 11 month, highly extensive program.  I understand why there was doubt from  those closest to me.  But I was calm and some would say cocky even.  I had this in the bag.  Well...God had it in the bag.

I passed the exam and made it into the program.  I knew going in it would be tough.  I had personal relationships with two of the instructors at the time. When I conferred with one of them, I was told point blank, "if anything, we will be harder on you."  There were difficult times that year but I made amazing friends and learned so much.  To this day I credit God with leading me down that rabbit hole.  And guess what! I graduated that program with a 3.79 GPA  and went on a month later to pass LPN boards in Missouri.  

The point is, God has a plan for you.  As he states in Ephesians 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  If you stop and listen, He will show you the way.  Of course, it may be more like this... 

Pay MORE attention!  

Not too long ago I was talking with good friends.  One was experiencing some turmoil in her daily life.  I said, "I've had this feeling of change coming on.  Maybe it was for you."  I had been praying about whatever was weighing on my heart.  I know she has done the same for me (long story ahead).

In August of 2016, I was asked to temporarily move from my center to a center 30 miles away.  I emphasize the temporary because I was not looking for change.  I made sure that I would be open to have my job back after I had fulfilled my "mission" at the other center.  I was to set up the classroom to run efficiently and train the new teacher (if they found one).  I shared many tears with my close co-workers and friends trying to make the decision.  Mind you, as far as I knew this was temporary. So why was I so emotional about the change?  I have to say, at that point in my life change was panic inducing, however small...or temporary.

I had approximately two days to decide.  My "best" co-workers and I hopped in a car and drove 30 miles to check out this new center. I had no time to waste.  I had one week (minus 3 days of meetings and open house) to pull it together.  The classroom was not my favorite but it turned out nice considering what we had to work with.  After a few weeks, I was forced to make a decision.  Was I going to make this temporary change permanent? Each day I grew to love my students and coworkers more. Slowly it had sunk in that I wasn't going back.  

One day I knew that whatever mission God had given me at that first center had been fulfilled.  I had a new mission.  When I say I was forced to make a decision, that is exactly what happened.  I was given an hour and a half of work time, to decide.  I managed to work in a phone call to my pastor at the time.  I did not have time to talk to my family or friends. The aforementioned friends and I try to get together on a regular basis to visit and just enjoy each others company (honestly, they just laugh at me).  These gatherings started, I believe, when I moved to the different center.  

The first time we met up, the topic was my new job.  Honestly, same job, same employer, different location.  I told them that I "kinda" knew in the back of my mind I wouldn't be coming back.  One said she knew when I took my plant with me.  The other one said that she knew.  She had been praying about it and knew I wasn't coming back, probably before I did. 

I have so many other examples of God speaking to me or through others for me, I could go on and on.  I won't.  

Good things are in store for me in 2020.  That I can say with confidence.  I have been listening and praying, having faith in God's timing.  That is the hard part.  If something is coming, why do I have to wait (read that in a whiny voice).  Could it be that I am not ready for change at this moment? Believe me, I am more prepared for change now than I was three years ago.  Maybe (most definitely) I need to continue to strengthen my faith and my relationship with the Lord in preparation.  I don't know why I have to wait but I do know this:  God's timing is worth waiting for.