The intro to this song is the most amazing thing I have ever heard. That is what I thought the first time I heard it. That was about the same time mom went into the hospital. I played it repeatedly, knowing God was in control of "our" situation. I sit here now, my broken heart screaming while I listen to it.
This heartbreaking storm started on January 11th and ended on February 19, 2022. Almost 4 weeks to the day since the last time dad and I had talked to her in person. She called me in a panic because they were taking her by ambulance to Quincy. She needed the usual items for her hospital stay. Clean pajamas, socks, underwear. I rushed around, got her stuff and went back to the hospital. Dad and I waited with her for almost 2 hours until the ambulance came.
When I hugged her and told her I loved her, I never dreamed it would be the last time. Dad and I stood at a distance as she was put into the ambulance and it drove away. We talked to her through zoom the following Tuesday. We had faith in God and the power of prayer. I still have faith.
I learned a long time ago that not all healing is earthly. I've said that so many times to others and, most recently, myself. Deep down a part of me knew she wouldn't be coming home. I didn't want to acknowledge the fact at first. I wasn't giving up on her. But the signs kept coming.
The last time she woke up, she asked for her mom. My grandma, her mom, died in January 2015. At approximately 3:30 a.m. on February 6th, she came to me. I was a mess, just like tonight. I felt her presence and I heard her say to me, "I'm tired." I told her I knew she was tired and it was alright if she wanted to go be with Jesus. I encouraged my family to do the same later that day.
I am a pretty spiritual person; I pay attention to the cues God gives me. I do feel like I had to defend myself for "giving up" on her. I never did give up on her. I loved her enough to set her free. She was sick and felt bad for a long time...longer than any of us knew I'm afraid.
I was hopeful she would live. But I was also fearful of the "life" she would live. There were no guarantees. It became clearer each day that the only guarantee was healing for my mom would not be earthly.
On Saturday, February 12th, the doctor asked dad and I if we had considered what we would do if her heart stopped. We were meeting up with Matt the next day so that became an item on our agenda. The 3 of us talked and got on the same page "if the time comes." Monday, valentine's day, the time came.
Mom's heart did not stop but she had steadily been declining. After discussing her condition with the doctor, a decision was made that we would give her one week (her birthday is February 21st). If she had not shown signs of improvement by her birthday, we would let her go the next day. We weren't waiting to celebrate her birthday, we didn't want her to pass on her birthday.
Saturday, the 19th, we were headed to Quincy to be with her. That weekend was important because we knew it would be the last. Before we even left that morning, the doctor was calling to let us know that it was time (long story short). If you have read any of the Supporting Ronna caringbridge.com page, you have already gotten the run down.
So, the song...
I really have tried to give praise to God throughout this whole mess. It is harder to pray and praise Him when the storms of life get too loud. I found myself sitting here tonight thinking about the first few lines of the song.
"I was sure by now God,
You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day..."
I will say with all honesty, I was having a very hard time giving praise when I sat down to write this blog. I am broken hearted, exhausted and emotionally spent. I have put on a brave front and genuinely thanked God for giving mom peace...until tonight. No matter what demons I am fighting, they are always worse at night.
Somewhere between the first and twentieth time I listened to this song, I had a light bulb moment. Yes, I am having a difficult time praising God in this storm...from my own perspective. I am on the outside and I am hurting. That is where my focus was. My head knows the words to be true, my heart just doesn't understand.
But, let me look at this from mom's perspective. She is happy, healthy and safe in His arms. I have no doubt she is in heaven reaping the rewards of her life here on earth. The broken heart, sadness and tears are worthy of praise. God has given mom peace and comfort. And in the midst of this raging storm, He carries me when I can't go on.
Lyrics
You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
And once again I say,
"A-men" and it's still
rainin'
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry,
You raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You?
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth
(I lift my eyes unto the hills)
(Where does my help come from?)
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
(Though my heart is torn)
I'll praise You in this storm
(Praise You in this storm)
Songwriters: Bernie Herms / John Mark Mark Hall
Praise You In This Storm lyrics © Sony/atv Tree Publishing, Banahama Tunes, My Refuge Music, Word Music, Llc
