The Purge 2.0: Come and Lay Your Burdens Down

It's been too long since I've written a blog; a blog I felt was worthy of sharing, that is.  I've said this before and I'm saying it now...shit's about to get real.  As the preppers say, we are in a SHTF situation.  Shit has hit the fan.  That is my reality and as I was once told by a counselor, "everyone has their own reality." So, if you disagree...goodbye.  I'm not here to debate, argue or fight. If I sound angry, I am.

Angry is just one of the descriptive words I could use right now.  I am frustrated, exhausted, irritable, anxious, sad and restless.  That is just the tip of the iceberg.  I feel suffocated and isolated by this quarantine but irritated and annoyed by human interaction at the same time.  A part of me wants to be social while a bigger part of me is terrified of leaving the house. 

If you are late getting to this party, let me explain.  I have major depression, anxiety (generalized and social), and post traumatic stress.  I started seeing a psychiatrist and counselor between 2004 and 2007. If I keep a routine, I do pretty well.  Right now I don't have that routine that I rely on to make it day to day.

My routine was just getting back on track from two weeks off for Christmas when news of C-19 entered my realm.  One thing you have to understand, any ONE of the emotional illnesses listed above can cause hypersensitivity.  At any given time, I am struggling to keep one, two or all three under control.  Each day is different; each day a different struggle. 

So, I have my regular struggles and now I have the added struggles of the uncertainty of the world compounded by a lack of routine.  I am not obligated to get up and go to work.  I get up and work throughout the day but I do not have the structure of being at work. I am naturally a night person.  I have to make myself be a morning person; I am not always successful. 

That is my major fight right now. I am anxious, out of routine, scared, stressed, etc. so I don't sleep.  I lay awake and my mind whirls in circles with all of the things I should have done today or yesterday and all of the things I need to do today or tomorrow; beating myself up for every failure or mistake I've ever made.  Most or all of which, didn't even register as being noticeable to anyone but me. 

I wrote a post several years ago about this image.  This use to be my go to profile picture.  When I was feeling down or depressed I would use it because this is how I felt.  After writing that post and "revealing" my secret about the correlation between the image and my emotional state, I haven't used it as my profile picture.  But, unfortunately, this is where I am at right now.

I'm fighting it.  I've fought bigger battles than I am fighting right now and I have come out the winner.  I have not done it alone.  Never have I done this alone.  Heck, I didn't do it at all.  God did it.  Maybe one day I will be confident enough to share that on this blog.  I am not shy about telling people about it but a public blog post...

With all that has happened this year, Easter just wasn't Easter.  It wasn't the lack of worship or dressing up, all of those things that come with a traditional Easter.  It was me spiritually.  I've not been in a good place spiritually.  I don't usually have a difficult time finding Jesus in hard times but my "funk" had pushed Him away with everyone else.  

I felt at the time that I was resisting the love and grace that God has given me through Jesus Christ.  A little secret? It is hard to accept the love and grace of ANYONE, even God Almighty, when you are depressed.  But He is stubborn.  He finally got through and I am starting to feel the love again.  

I am ready to graciously accept the blood and body of Jesus who died on the cross for me.  That might sound pompous but let me explain.  I have once again accepted that I have done nothing to deserve the grace of God.  It does not matter how helpless or worthless I feel, He does not care.  He loves me unconditionally.  

Even on days when I find it impossible to love myself, He loves me! And guess what...HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS!!  That is why I'm here tonight.  It's 1:37 a.m. and I am listening to Jamie Kimmett's song Burdens repeatedly while I write.  The lyrics of the song are the inspiration for this blog.  I've been wanting to write on this one for a while, I guess it was time.  

If you are reading this, I hope you find solace in this song.  As I pray my purge, I wish you well.  

Heavenly Father, 

Please forgive me for my transgressions and for pushing you away.  Please help me to be a better person tomorrow than I was today.  Let me be a light that shines on your people. Thank you for the beautiful day you have given me and for the promise of a new day.  Thank you for the blood and body of your son Jesus Christ.  Please help me to remember that with you all things are possible.  With your help I will overcome this "funk" that I am in and you will lead me to do your will.  Thank you for all of the things that I take for granted each day.  The people closest to me that get the worst of me when I am in this state of mind.  

Thank you for the gifts and talents you have given me so that I may do your work, even if I fail sometimes. Help me to remember, Lord, that you are in control and I don't have to be.  I don't have to carry the burdens of the world.  Remind me to lay them down at His feet.

Lord, please guide our leaders in their decision making.  Help us as a society come together to support each other.  Please be with the men and women who lead us in your word.  They carry many burdens of the people, please bare that load for them.  I ask for safety for my family, friends and all of the people you have put in my life.  Thank you God for sending your only Son to die on the cross for us and thank you Jesus for dying that most horrible death so I can be forgiven for my sins.  In Jesus' name.  Amen

Burdens by Jamie Kimmett

When the night comes, when you're all alone

When there's trouble stirring in your soul

And if your world is falling apart

Just hold on for the morning break to dawn

Come and lay your burdens down 

To the place where freedom is found

At the feet, at the feet of Jesus

Come and lay your burdens down

When the deepest sorrow weighs on your heart

When you've prayed for answers but the answers never come

For every tear that you cry

There's a promise He will make your burdens light

Come and lay your burdens down

To the place where freedom is found

At the feet, at the feet of Jesus

Come and lay your burdens down

Oh, lay them down, ooh-ooh

Oh, lay them down, oh

When we see Him face to face

All our worries will surely fade away

In the presence of His glorious light

We'll sing hallelujah to the One who gave us life!

Come and lay your burdens down

To the place where freedom is found

At the feet, at the feet of Jesus

Come and lay your burdens down

So come and lay your burdens down

To the place where freedom is found

At the feet, at the feet of Jesus

Come and lay your burdens down

Come and lay your burdens down

Are You Listening?

It's a new year! It seems like life goes by so quickly when things are going well; there is never enough time in the day to do the things that you want or need to get done.  At other times it feels like the day or moment will never end.  Those are the hard days; the days when so many things have gone wrong, you've had a fight with someone close or you are just battling your demons.  In those moments it is hard to have faith that God is nearby let alone doing great things in your life.  "Where are you God?" is not a question I have ever asked, honestly.  I have wondered and asked many times "what's the purpose of that" a LOT. I think one reason I don't question God's presence is because at the lowest of low times in my life, God has carried me through.  That doesn't mean I don't get impatient.  

I've read a lot about God's timing lately.  I have occasionally felt change coming.  For example, after much prayer, care and consideration I applied to nursing school in 2004.  Before a friend/coworker joked that I could join with him and we could flunk out together (seriously, he said that), I had never considered nursing.  Withing a week or so of praying, I had the confidence needed to apply.  There was never a doubt in my mind that God had planted that seed in my head and I would be successful in it.  That doesn't mean there weren't a lot of nay-Sayers.  This was a huge life change, time and financial commitment.  **To be fair, I finished high school with a 1.97 GPA.  There were tests to be passed to even be considered for the 11 month, highly extensive program.  I understand why there was doubt from  those closest to me.  But I was calm and some would say cocky even.  I had this in the bag.  Well...God had it in the bag.

I passed the exam and made it into the program.  I knew going in it would be tough.  I had personal relationships with two of the instructors at the time. When I conferred with one of them, I was told point blank, "if anything, we will be harder on you."  There were difficult times that year but I made amazing friends and learned so much.  To this day I credit God with leading me down that rabbit hole.  And guess what! I graduated that program with a 3.79 GPA  and went on a month later to pass LPN boards in Missouri.  

The point is, God has a plan for you.  As he states in Ephesians 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  If you stop and listen, He will show you the way.  Of course, it may be more like this... 

Pay MORE attention!  

Not too long ago I was talking with good friends.  One was experiencing some turmoil in her daily life.  I said, "I've had this feeling of change coming on.  Maybe it was for you."  I had been praying about whatever was weighing on my heart.  I know she has done the same for me (long story ahead).

In August of 2016, I was asked to temporarily move from my center to a center 30 miles away.  I emphasize the temporary because I was not looking for change.  I made sure that I would be open to have my job back after I had fulfilled my "mission" at the other center.  I was to set up the classroom to run efficiently and train the new teacher (if they found one).  I shared many tears with my close co-workers and friends trying to make the decision.  Mind you, as far as I knew this was temporary. So why was I so emotional about the change?  I have to say, at that point in my life change was panic inducing, however small...or temporary.

I had approximately two days to decide.  My "best" co-workers and I hopped in a car and drove 30 miles to check out this new center. I had no time to waste.  I had one week (minus 3 days of meetings and open house) to pull it together.  The classroom was not my favorite but it turned out nice considering what we had to work with.  After a few weeks, I was forced to make a decision.  Was I going to make this temporary change permanent? Each day I grew to love my students and coworkers more. Slowly it had sunk in that I wasn't going back.  

One day I knew that whatever mission God had given me at that first center had been fulfilled.  I had a new mission.  When I say I was forced to make a decision, that is exactly what happened.  I was given an hour and a half of work time, to decide.  I managed to work in a phone call to my pastor at the time.  I did not have time to talk to my family or friends. The aforementioned friends and I try to get together on a regular basis to visit and just enjoy each others company (honestly, they just laugh at me).  These gatherings started, I believe, when I moved to the different center.  

The first time we met up, the topic was my new job.  Honestly, same job, same employer, different location.  I told them that I "kinda" knew in the back of my mind I wouldn't be coming back.  One said she knew when I took my plant with me.  The other one said that she knew.  She had been praying about it and knew I wasn't coming back, probably before I did. 

I have so many other examples of God speaking to me or through others for me, I could go on and on.  I won't.  

Good things are in store for me in 2020.  That I can say with confidence.  I have been listening and praying, having faith in God's timing.  That is the hard part.  If something is coming, why do I have to wait (read that in a whiny voice).  Could it be that I am not ready for change at this moment? Believe me, I am more prepared for change now than I was three years ago.  Maybe (most definitely) I need to continue to strengthen my faith and my relationship with the Lord in preparation.  I don't know why I have to wait but I do know this:  God's timing is worth waiting for.